Tuesday, April 22, 2014

It kills me a little to watch you die slowly

I've always believed in the power of love, prayer, and good vibes~ call it whatever you want I have been feeling it surround me.  Your comments are more than words they are compassionate hugs from familiar places.  Thank you for caring so very much, I really can feel it and I really do appreciate it.
My sister arrived this weekend to celebrate our Dad's 77th birthday.  I had his yard flocked:)
  He could see them from his bed.
  All the neighbors came by to say Happy Birthday and take pictures of the flock.
There was also the most beautiful rainbow that same day. Pretty kick ass present for a gay's man bday:)
The morning we arrived our Dad had fallen in the night. He can no longer be alone, use the bathroom or get out of bed.  I thought I could just move on in and take care of him but I can't.  It's too much for me all on my own. Here I am with a bag full of Depends, bed pads, bleach, butt wipes, air freshener and ginger ale.  I felt exactly like I look in this picture.
But I'm better now.  With the help of my amazing sister we found and hired a wonderful nurse to pretty much move in and take care of my Dad during the week.  Hospice has been amazing too. I am surrounded by angels right now.  My Dad decided he did not want to take that medicine to end his life.  He is scared he'll throw it up.  Last time he ate was April 5th.  I'm just watching him starve to death.  Hospice says he has maybe a week left.
Tracy and I found some old pictures in his house. Look at how handsome he was.  It was so wonderful to lay in bed next to him and reminesece.  He mentioned how loved he felt with both his girls by his side.
 This was my high school bedroom.  I have been blowing kisses my whole life.
Here is a photo of my folks in 1967 before I was born.  Don't you just love my Mom's dress and my dad looks like Elvis Costello.
 Here I was yesterday forcing myself in front of the camera.
A bit dazed but I'm not confused.
I'm just ready for my Dad to be free from the pain
and I'm ready for better days.  Soon.

Monday, April 14, 2014

What it means to be human

This post seems more like a journal entry, so feel free to just look at the pictures if you don't want inside my head today.  I spent the weekend looking after my Dad.  I invited Cristi to come for a night and she happily said she'd love to!  Having her there made it so much easier, it was our own kind of slumber party.  I'm so lucky to have her in my life.
 I wanna look nice for my Dad and this is what I wore:)


   I'm here but I'm barely holding it together.  My physical body is tired from lack of sleep and food and my eyes have never been so puffy and red from the sporadic crying that comes on without notice.  
Fortunately, the sun was shining so beautifully it served as a warm reminder that life is still good.
 so did this very special letter my neighbor wrote to my Dad, from one father to another.  People can be so beautiful can't they?
 In the morning we took Peetee and my Dad's dog Dylan for a walk.
 Dylan lies next to my Dad 24/7, he is his constant companion.
 It breaks my heart to think about how he will feel once Dad dies.
My Dad lives in a mobile home park that he managed up until 2 weeks ago. It's an hours drive from my house which makes getting there during the week difficult. Without the kindness of his neighbors dropping by he would be alone most of the day.  A hospice nurse comes in 3 times a week and helps a great deal.  He still talks about death with dignity and tomorrow I pick up the medication.
My sister and my entire family may all be in another state but they have made sure that I feel their love and support.
Some snaps from my Dad's place.
 He collects these painted animals from Mexico.


Cristi and I got this for his bedside along with some wonderfully scented star gazer lilies.  
My Dad stopped eating about 2 weeks ago, now it's just morphine and chocolate milk.
They don't call them man's best friend for nothing.
Peetee and Dylan love laying with Dad.
They know it's almost time to say goodbye.  

Monday, April 7, 2014

I'll carry the sun in my hand for you

Good Morning WORLD!  Today I am elated to announce our warmest day of the year so far, hello 70's.  I hope for a nice long lay in the sunshine after work. That last sentence makes me laugh so I'm leaving it:) Hey, I even shaved my legs.

This weekend was filled with so much heavy stuff I just want to put it away for now.  I don't think I have ever felt this emotionally drained.  I'm counting the days until my sister arrives on April 17th, my Dad's birthday.  Without the love and support of my family and friends I would be in a very dark place.  Now more than ever I need good times to help take my mind off of death so that I can return to my Dad happy and strong.   We still have some tough days ahead.
 I also need some clothes to make me feel good.  This outfit was getting so much love on Friday!
 The leggings are Kiss Me Kitty of course and the dress is made from up cycled bits.
 I even got recognized as Betty Lou's mermaid at Pip's Donuts, I'm a celebrity people!
 I won't let it go to my head.
  Even cats like me and I am not a cat person.
 Unlike my my sister from another mister, who is part feline herself.

 Sunday we hung out again this time with our boys and burgers and beer were involved.
 My new thrifted bag.
 Cristi said she dressed up extra wild just for me.
 I loved her hair!
 Some more fabulous KMK!
 We went for a nice walk on Mount Tabor.  These dogs were too cute to walk past.  They are buddies.


 Portland's drinking water.
 It felt so good to be outside breathing in the air and feeling the pounding of my own heart.
 Feeling pretty has its own healing effect.
  So does being silly.



 and stopping to notice a gorgeous magnolia in full bloom
 and walks with friends.

I hope you all know how much your advice and kind words about my Dad I am taking to heart.  My strength comes from knowing I'm not alone in my grief and heartache and being very grateful for the wonderful life I have.