Tuesday, September 3, 2013

The idea is to die young as late as possible

I don't know where to start or how to explain how I feel today. Something has changed inside of me forever.  As I mentioned before my Dad has a rare form of cancer and had surgery on Friday.  The surgery was 9 hours long and went well.  I won't get into all the gory details but seeing my Dad afterwards has been heartbreaking.  I'm not looking for any reassuring comments because there are none.  My Dad has a tough fight ahead, a very tough fight.  In a few weeks radiation begins.

My Dad has already told me he will not fight a pointless battle.  Here in Oregon we have Death With Dignity, which means a person who has less than 6 months to live can choose to end their life.  My Dad and I will see an attorney next week to make sure if he can't make that decision for himself I can.  I don't wanna be a grown up right now, I just want to run away.

 Cristi made me a speed racer dress to go with my new car and this is what I wore to the hospital.
The random texts from friends checking in has meant the world to me.
 Gorgeous view of Oregon from the hospital room.
OHSU is way up on a hilltop and they built this tram to it since they had no where to add more parking.
 Peetee cuddles are much appreciated too.
 So is ice cream with this gal :)
 You know what?
I feel a little better and someday I will tell you the whole story.  Thanks for listening.


Anonymous said...

Oh honey.
I'll do my best not to offer words of reassurance that are weak. So instead I will offer you cyber love, hugs and comfort. All of your feelings are completely valid and normal. Growing up just sucks big time sometimes.

Be kind to yourself, thinking of you.

Rose&Bird said...

Oh Krista, I know you're not looking for reassurance, but I know you'll get lots x So glad to hear the surgery went ok and wishing your dad all the best for the coming weeks. I hope that it doesn't come to the euthanasia issue, but hope that it gives you some comfort. I haven't put that very well, but hope that you get the gist of it. Keep your chin up, honey x Fab dress for hospital visiting!

Vix said...

I know, babe, words are empty and meaningless when you're going through this, they certainly didn't help me. But...making a super special effort by wearing fabulous clothes and spending time with special pets and people are good things that make you deal with adult stuff in a positive way.
I'm very impressed with the dying with dignity, if only the UK were so.
Love you! xxxxxxxx

Tamera Wolfe said...


Your new dress is adorable--and of course the best accessorie is Peetee!!

I'll chat more in email....

Kathi said...

Oh, dear friend. My heart is sad for you. Thinking of you and your Dad.

Love you!

Mariela said...

I can't imagine what you are feeling but at least find solace in the fact that your father has people who love him and don't want him to suffer.

Anonymous said...

That Peetee is a champ - cuddle-on.

And your speed racer frock is FAB - like a glorious multicoloured chequered winners flag.

What Vix said about dying with dignity.

Much love and strength to you, your Dad and your fam xxxxxxxxx

Helga! said...

I'm thrilled you have death with dignity. My Mother's death was far from dignified, and it ripped me to bits. It's an incredibly important role you are taking on, and your love and respect for your Papa are gonna get you through.
You are a total babe, Peetee is a little blossom and I love you!

Louise McDonagh said...

Dearest Krista what a difficult time you and your family are going through. My thoughts are with you. God bless Xx

Forest City Fashionista said...

It is wonderful that you have the Death with Dignity legislation in Oregon. This is going to be rough and no words are going to be able to make the road easier, but, take strength from those you love and who love you (including friends, human and canine). Wear colourful cute dresses with awesome kicks and braids. Eat ice cream, and go easy on yourself. Being a grownup is hard, especially when it comes to issues with our parents.


Anonymous said...

I have never commented before, but wanted to say I love to see your beautiful photos of your colourful filled way of life, keep shining. love to you Penny x x x

Anonymous said...

My darling Krista, words can be worthless and meaningless , but I want to send you all my love and support!!!
After reading this post and see that lovely photo of you and Peetee and your smile makes me feel stronger!!

I really love you!!!

Anonymous said...

Krista--I know that when the time comes, you will rise to the occasion. My own father's passing was the most challenging thing for me...and I know that ten years later I'm still changed by it.

Sending peace of mind your way.

pastcaring said...

The really hard things in life, the challenges, the real stuff, it does change us, and it's so so difficult to do. I'm sorry your Dad has a tough time ahead. And I am sorry you are sad and frightened. But what faith he has in you, Krista - he knows you can do this, so you can.
You are a gorgeous and a strong woman. You have great friends, great spirit, great honesty. Take heart from all that goodness!
PS. Just emailed you, before I realised you had posted is. xxxxxxx

Penny-Rose said...

Oh Krista, I am not sure what to write, this must be a very difficult time for you . Take heart and hope in all the love out there in the world, from your family, friends and Peetee. xx

PinkCheetahVintage said...

This stuff is not easy. Be strong and take comfort in the moments you have with your friends and family. Sounds like you have a lot of support and that really helps.

thorne garnet said...

you know, you don't have to be brave, it's ok to have a good cry. and to be pissed off. I've lost both parents and both in-laws, it's a sucky time, all I was able to do was think about the good times. Hugs to you

Lisa Leisy said...

Big hugs, girlie-kins. Sending comfort, peace and love your way.

two squirrels said...

Oh sweet I read your post and had to come back.
I don't even know what to say about your dad........it's your dad, the amazing man who gave you half of who you are. So all I can do is send you much love and let you know that even though we are worlds away from each other lots of lovely people care about you and your dad .........may the dark clouds part and the beautiful sun shine through.
Take care sweet.....hugs and pats to Peetee.
Love V

Carina Rosenholm said...

Oh ... i dont know what to Say.. but sends love from us! Give Peetee a big hug!

Sandra said...

Dearest Krista, sometimes there are no words, I send you my love and hope, deep breath's and a strong heart take us far.
Peetee's hugs look like the best type, you have a strong bunch of people around you who love you and are here for you, when you need it x x

Nerd Burger said...

Krista. I am thinking of you at this very difficult time. Please know we all love you and you are an amazing person.

Connie said...

Dear Krista. I have been on both sides of this battle. First with my own Dad and then with my own stupid cancer. It IS crummy to have to grow up this way. Very Crummy! Give Peetee a big hug and know that there is an enormous amount of positive energy flowing your way. My dog Pancake has been such a comfort to me that I sometimes call him Dr. Dog.
Love, Connie*

Victoria said...

Difficult times, sending you prayers and love. Love the happy pictures though and the dresses are wonderful, love that pattern. And, my daughter lives just on the other side of the river in the patch of trees, great view!

freckleface said...

Oh dear, Krista, this is just so hard. I don't blame you feeling like you just want to run away. Such a big horrible thing. I can't say anything to help, but I am sending you lots of love. xxxxxxx

Miss Magpie said...

I can't even begin to imagine, but I'm thinking of you. x

Heather said...

I am really sorry that is some tough stuff indeed. I can understand how you would feel changed. So glad you have friends and blessings to look to. I will keep you and your father in my prayers. I have had a few family members and friends that have had cancer, and I had a cancer scare as well in my late teens... it is indeed a tough journey and I don't think anyone else will tell you different ...but a good thing to remember is it is not always a hopeless one either!! ~thinking of you xoxoxo Heather
p.s. and yes please do squeeze me in for a visit when you are this way I would absolutely love that!!

Hollie "Jet" Black-Ramsey said...

I'm so sorry to hear this news. Just know that this gal here has been in a very similar situation! You're not alone!

La Dama said...

Oh Kristita..I'm so sorry.. I send your dad lots of healing energies.

Special friends and family always make us feel better in bad times.

Your looking rather fine in your new speed racer car dress.

Muchos Besos

Ariane Lasalle said...

So sorry for your Dad Krista -
Hope he gets better but that's life i guess -
Looking lovely Krista

Ariane xo

Jane Droll said...

oh girl. i feel for you.

not sure if this helps or anything, but my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in her early 40s. i was thirteen at the time. my dad told me and my siblings that my mom was going to die. it was just awful. but she made it through.

i am now in my early 40's and every year at mammogram time i feel like the jig is up, i might not live another year if they find cancer. it is terrifying, particularly since my oldest sister had ovarian and uterine cancer two years ago. it is so hard to deal with these things. i try not to obsess on them, but sometimes it is hard to get away from scary thoughts of illness and mortality.

i believe in death with dignity, and i would exercise that option if need be. it is not easy to make that decision for another. i feel for you. i don't know you, but LORD i feel for you. hugs, girl.

CityScape Skybaby said...

Wish I knew what to say that would help Krista, but as lots of others have said, words aren't much use at a time like this. I can understand you just wanting to run away, but you are doing such a great thing for your dad in helping him with his decision to have death with dignity if he needs it. That is true love. Lots of big hugs and love to you, your dad and all your family. xx

Jet Kuhn said...

I know there are no words of comfort to help you with what you're going through. (I'll send reiki if you like anyway!) Yes growing up sucks sometimes. But you have an incredibly important role to play in order to carry out your dear father's wishes. Tough, heart-wrenching, but its his wishes and he's honoured you with keeping true to them which means he loves & cares about you deeply & know you will do what is right. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, I hope with all my heart that for your sake he beats the odds. (And I'll send him reiki too if you email his details.) I don't think we have "death with dignity" here, will have to look into it, as I've already made my wishes clear to my husband & know he will honour them, but a DNR isn't the same thing. Hugs and reiki light to you XXX Jet

Nat said...

Dear Krista
I can't write anything that will make it any easier. All I can say is that on some level, I know a little bit of what you are feeling - I lost my dad to cancer three years ago, and it was a long, hard fight.
I'm holding you both in my heart

Melanie said...

I'm all for dignity; I hope more places can embrace this kind of respect in the future. So the fact that there are options would be a balm. Be strong. I truly believe that colour and love provide strength. I'm saddened to hear of your Dad's illness.

Jane George said...

oh darling! i signed papers to say 'do not resuscitate' when my dad was so ill with cancer and it made me wanna run too! I have been there, i want to jump into the screen and hug you! wow to dignity though...really just wow!!!! hugs xxx