Wednesday, March 26, 2014

To hurt is as human as to breathe

How do you deal with pain?  In your heart,  your head,  your body?  Pain is described as physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury.  My heart is aching right now because my Dad is suffering.  Watching cancer slowly take someone you love is life's biggest fuck you.  Never have I felt so helpless and had such pain in my heart.  I know part of life is losing your parents, but I haven't lost one yet and I am terrified of the inevitable.  Do you hear me?  Terrified.

and I'm ok with that.  Just like I want to use all the colors in my crayon box I want to FEEL everything, all the bumps in the road, I just don't want to see people suffer that hurts really bad.

I deal with pain in many ways.  I make stuff.  Like this:)  I may be 43 years old but I still feel very young and naive at times.
 I try and notice random beauty everywhere.
 even store windows
I have fun getting dressed or I don't bother:)
 I can laugh at life
 and myself
 I have good friends in my circle who shower me with love and support.
 My hair rocks
 Wearing Kiss Me Kitty leggings makes me happy as well as anyone looking at my legs!
 Uh yeah :)
 My little Peetee always makes me feel good.
 Putting stuff on Chris while he naps in the sun pleases me greatly!
How do you deal with life when your heart aches?  What makes you feel better?


Vix said...

It's vile, it really is. I have no advice and still wake up in the night and feel crap about the way my mum suffered.
There is no easy way, just distraction tactics. I immersed myself in selling and blogging and getting dressed up all the time and patchwork - hence those bastard massive curtains, throwing myself into so many projects I'd collapse into bed exhausted and not be able to think.
Pretty hair, amazing clothes and fab friends and cute pets and ridiculous signs are all good, there's no harm in denying yourself stuff even though your dad's suffering. That way you've got positive things to talk to him about and distract him with.
You always make life better!
Love you! xxxxxxxxxx

Gracey the Giant said...

Oh, dear. I just want to hug you and make you feel better. But, you seem to be doing a great job of making yourself feel better and I'm happy for you for that.

Sorry I missed you the other night!



PinkCheetahVintage said...

It's awful when you're heart aches :( Your hair does totally rock, tho <3

pastcaring said...

Krista, I have NO idea what to tell you. Really, I got nothing. As Vix said, there is only distraction, and of course that is useful, but ultimately it's a case of looking away for a minute, until it's time to turn back to the sadness. Seeing someone you love suffer is brutal. Knowing it's not going to improve and that there is only one way out of the pain? Even more fucking brutal...
Sorry, this probably isn't helping, is it?
So yes, of course doing things which help you feel a little lighter of spirit is good. Chris, Cristi, Peetee and the shady cats, fabulous colour and wonderful clothes, making art, all of that is good. Talk and laugh and cry as much as you need. Tell us how you're doing. No point holding back, but then I don't think you are a holding back kinda gal. But it IS going to hurt, a lot, and there isn't any getting away from that. And we can listen and send love and understand and let you know that we're here for you. Because we are. Love you. xxxxxx

Kari S said...

You know it just hit me how much your hair has grown since I first started visiting you but I think its been a year (or more?) since I found you.
With that said, it makes my heart ache just reading this. It has to be truly the biggest nightmare about being human. Watching loved one's suffer. I guess I deal with it through exercise, my sweet husband, my best friend, and like you creating. I love you used a vintage little kiddle, she's adorable. I really love your diorama's, these always peak my interest and I enjoy seeing the world form your artistic perspective. Well sweetie, take care. There are no real words for what your going through.

Kari S said...

Boy I butchered that sorry for the these instead of the and form instead of from. Just trying to keep your brain nimble!:)

freckleface said...

Cancer is evil. I've watched quite a few people suffer and die. How can you not feel the pain? And the compassion and the fear? But you can try to distract yourself and focus on the positives, because what else can you do?
Your hair really does rock, your colourful creations are a great antidote to the hellishness of real life and you have some true friends. I love your little doglet and your hairy p-cat. I bet cuddling them helps doesn't it? Xxxxxxx

Ivy Black said...

What can I say to you? Cancer is a wretched , horrible thing, but you know that. You're going to feel pain, and anger and all can you not? You have to do what you have to do which includes distraction and finding glimpses of joy where you can
You fecking rock.
Take care.

Nat said...

When my dad was so ill, the only way I could cope was to run away to the fields and woods behind my house and walk and walk and walk out my anger. Cry, curse out loud, cry and curse some more... with no one around to hear me. Being surrounded by the solitude of nature always makes me feel better.
There is nothing that takes away the pain, but as others have already said, distraction at least brings tiny snippets of joy.
Wish I could give you the biggest hug ever right now...

Tamera Wolfe said...

I just want to hug you right now. Losing a parent sucks....especially when you have to watch them suffer and you feel so helpless. Just continue to find whatever joy you can in each passing day. Make memories. Laugh with your Dad.

Sending our love and keeping you and
your dad in my prayers!!!

Helga! said...

You are such a fecking love, and a true inspiration. I'm so gutted for you. I've lost both my parents, within a year of each other, but I have no helpful words to offer.
It just SUCKS. It's been 14 years,; I'm not over it, but am sort of used to it. You have such a wonderful attitude, and a great determination to get through...........I LOVE YOU!
And feck, yeah, your hair totally rocks, and I adore that sign!!!

Jean at said...

I get it. I'm so sorry too. When I got home from my trip I got a call from my sister saying our dad was in crisis. My brother got a one way ticket and is there now, thankfully. It'll be my turn soon. I love you and wish we could've spent more time together.

We came together for a reason and I'm grateful for your energy and perspective. I'll be sending those green chucks. May as well dress up, you know? I know it makes my dad smile; yours too, I'm guessing. XXXOOO

Carina Rosenholm said...

You rock !
Me , when hurting... sadly i often bottle up but can talk to my Lover boy and then i go down to the sea and breathe the salty air and takes a time out . Strenht and love with big hugs to you!

Trees said...

I'm so sorry about your Dad - I like to creat too when I am feeling down, usually something metative like Cross-stitch. Also visiting friends and watching movies helps. I love your creations, they always make me smile! *hugs*

peaches mcginty said...

Oh Krista, it is a brutal time - watching my beloved Father-in-law's demise was awful, what he enjoyed was human contact, touch, laughter, being there when he woke up, it's my biggest regret I didn't hold him more. Like Vix and others, I have no advice, I kept busy and made sure he had what he needed and gave myself what I needed, pink hair would have been bloody wonderful though! have lots of cuddles, I sending you a mahoosive one x x x

Melanie said...

I wish I knew what to say Krista, I'm just so sorry you and your loved ones are having to go through this xxx

Anonymous said...

Watching a loved one suffer is the worst! Worse than suffering ourselves really. We feel helpless, but we aren't really helpless. Our aches are radiated as comforting energy to our loved ones. I believe we greatly influence how others feel through how we think of them more than we know. Rest assured that your dad knows you love him and that alone is a huge comfort. He is not alone.

Keep making those little art sculptures. They are part of your healing and self love. ;)

thorne garnet said...

my heart is going out to you right now. My Mom died from cancer in 1968( I was 13), I still get sad thinking about not having a Mom. I agree with Vix, you have to not think about it all the time and try your best to live your life to the fullest.

Forest City Fashionista said...

They say that you have to have the dark things in life so that you can better appreciate the light ones, but I still think it sucks. There is nothing more difficult (in my opinion) than watching someone you love suffer.

Curtise is right, there really isn't much to say, and distraction is ofter the only think you can do. All of the things you've shown here are excellent distractions, and I'm glad you haven't lost your sense of fun (I recognize that lamb).

Sending you a big hug X0

señora Allnut said...

I think Lady Vix is right, Distractions are a good thing, make you feel busy, and make your life more interesting!
dear lady, your hair Rocks! indeed!

Beth Waltz said...

Vix is right, projects offer escape hatches. During my father's final illness I kept a bucket of paint and gear ready for the 3.00 am 'anxiety wake-ups'. (Painted all but the bedrooms before he passed.)

And like Vix, years later I still wake up hearing the phone...

If at all possible, Krista, please explore hospice services available! They offer comfort and counseling to the ill and their caregivers that wasn't available until recent developments in end-of-life care.

Connie said...

Ka-Ris-Ta!!! How did you fall off of my blog reading radar?? Well, it's fixed now...I hope. Well, i had cancer and i was very sick for a long time. And I have to say that just knowing that you're out there being adorable and loving is probably so comforting to your Dad. It used to break my heart when I would see my kids sad and worrying about me. I just wanted them to be happy. When i would hear them laughing it always made me feel better. We are lucky. I survived. But I still say cancer fucking sucks!!

Natalia Lialina said...

Krista, I feel like I have a lot to learn from you...
But to answer your question, I watch A LOT of British comedies. For whatever reason, their humor heals my soul. I do a lot of other things too, of course. You may call it distraction, in some way it is. But it is actually more h=than that. It is a healing process for the soul. When one break legs, we don't expect him to start walking immediately. It's similar with our heart pain... I write. I go for long walks on the beach or in woods. I try to get as much rest as I can. I read and watch what brings me joy (a lot of blogs for that reason). I go to a day spa (banya in Russian - steam room). I love swimming. Taking care of myself. Dressing up. And of course spending time with the people who love me and always are by my side - Justin and Anya. All together, it helps. Love heals everything. Sometimes it is hard... But there is so much light in you, I can feel it from just few posts I've read. I want to send you all the best, lots of love and hugses (our daughter said it when she was little). Blogging and connecting with all the amazing women around the world is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I can't express how much it all means to me. It came in pretty dark times. It is such a miracle to have all these wonderful, warm, kind, talented and generous women in my life. It is a huge part of my own healing process.

Nerd Burger said...

There is nothing I can say to take your pain away. I want you to know that I am here holding your hand the whole way.

Fiona said...

Krista, have been wondering how you were doing lately, then I read your comment on Vix' blog. No advice here either really, you just do what ever helps you get through it. I had a very stressful job at the time my Mum was dying and held it together every day until I got to the car park to go home. There were a lot of tears, I felt so bloody helpless. Distractions are good, crafting kept me sane...and good friends. Take care. xxx

Jet Kuhn said...

Oh darling, what you are going through is one of the reasons I don't believe in the concept of "heaven" and "hell". Both are right here on earth & we deal with both every day. I have no words of comfort, but I do empathise and can understand what you are going through, having been there with my grandmother when I was quite young and other loved ones since (and unfortunately dealt with far too many suicides of those I loved dearly.) You're doing a stellar job! Snatch those small bits of joy when you can, and allow yourself to be angry, sad, cry your heart out -- you are human and unfortunately this is all part of the human experience. Its the love and grace with which you are handling everything that makes you one of the good ones! I know we aren't close, but I sincerely extend my hand if you ever need an ear. XXX <3 PS I'm very sorry for not commenting lately, have been dealing with some health issues & the trauma related to them which sometimes makes it hard for me to focus. There is something emotional that happened that I won't lay on you but will say has caused me (and unfortunately my daughter) more pain & suffering than anything physical ever could. Hell is right here on earth, but I need to remember I can bring myself some heaven as you have done with such panache! You inspire me! Wish I could give you a great big hug for bringing joy to me & others!

Jet Kuhn said...

PPS That sign! I must find one, thank you for the well needed giggle! And yes your hair rocks, as do you!