Tuesday, April 22, 2014

It kills me a little to watch you die slowly

I've always believed in the power of love, prayer, and good vibes~ call it whatever you want I have been feeling it surround me.  Your comments are more than words they are compassionate hugs from familiar places.  Thank you for caring so very much, I really can feel it and I really do appreciate it.
My sister arrived this weekend to celebrate our Dad's 77th birthday.  I had his yard flocked:)
  He could see them from his bed.
  All the neighbors came by to say Happy Birthday and take pictures of the flock.
There was also the most beautiful rainbow that same day. Pretty kick ass present for a gay's man bday:)
The morning we arrived our Dad had fallen in the night. He can no longer be alone, use the bathroom or get out of bed.  I thought I could just move on in and take care of him but I can't.  It's too much for me all on my own. Here I am with a bag full of Depends, bed pads, bleach, butt wipes, air freshener and ginger ale.  I felt exactly like I look in this picture.
But I'm better now.  With the help of my amazing sister we found and hired a wonderful nurse to pretty much move in and take care of my Dad during the week.  Hospice has been amazing too. I am surrounded by angels right now.  My Dad decided he did not want to take that medicine to end his life.  He is scared he'll throw it up.  Last time he ate was April 5th.  I'm just watching him starve to death.  Hospice says he has maybe a week left.
Tracy and I found some old pictures in his house. Look at how handsome he was.  It was so wonderful to lay in bed next to him and reminesece.  He mentioned how loved he felt with both his girls by his side.
 This was my high school bedroom.  I have been blowing kisses my whole life.
Here is a photo of my folks in 1967 before I was born.  Don't you just love my Mom's dress and my dad looks like Elvis Costello.
 Here I was yesterday forcing myself in front of the camera.
A bit dazed but I'm not confused.
I'm just ready for my Dad to be free from the pain
and I'm ready for better days.  Soon.

33 comments:

Rose&Bird said...

Was thinking of you earlier today and hoping you were ok. I can't imagine what it must be like, but I hope that being able to have this time to remember together is of some comfort. Hugs as always x

Vix said...

Phil was one good looking dude, wasn't he? Love those old photos!
The flamingos were the best thing ever and that rainbow really was perfect, how wonderful for there still to be some pleasures left for your Dad.
Look at you loaded down with all that stuff but still dressed from head to toe in colour. So pleased your sis was able to come and share the burden.
So good to talk yesterday, stay strong. You know I love you and I'm here when you need me. xxxxxxxx

Janey G said...

oh God I haven't been by to say hi in ages and i didnt realise! I have been where you are now with my own dad, i have tears dripping off my nose, wish i could get in a plane and come help. love and hugs xxxx

pastcaring said...

Yes, soon. And in the meantime, you are being the most amazing daughter to your dad, and he knows how much you love him. I'm so glad you got some help in sharing the situation with your sister, and having the live-in nurse must make the physical burden much less.
Pink flamingos and rainbows, yes that's pretty perfect for your dad! How alike you and Tracy look, and how wonderful to see your old photos. You two girls were even more similar as kids, love the teenage bedroom shot, and the 1967 photo is fabulous - yes, your dad was one handsome and cool dude!
Keep up the colour and your strength, Krista. Soon...
Much, much love - you know how much. xxxxx

Ivy Black said...

You are amazing, you really are. What a fab birthday treat..both his girls, a flock of flamingoes and a rainbow. Wonderful. He certainly does look like Elvis C...proper cool. You take care, pet. Much love.xxxxxxx

Kari S said...

Flock of flamingoes was brilliant! So perfect with the new lush green of spring. Awesome pics, I think we had pretty much the same bedroom and I know I had that jacket. Your dad and mom look right out of vogue!....You know i'm thinking about you, I wish there was more I could do than that. I hope this week is filled with many blessing, lots of love, light and acceptance. hugs to you mama.

Natalia Lialina said...

I often think of you, dear Krista... What a beautiful, beautiful birthday you made for your Dad, and look at this amazing rainbow! Your Dad is a handsome guy, and a beautiful, amazingly strong person. I am so glad that your sister is there with you now. You two look very much alike, especially on your childhood photo!

You are amazing, beautiful, brave and so very genuine. I wish I could make it a little bit easier for everyone... Happy Birthday to your Dad. He will be always in my heart now, because of your blog, and the way you tell your story. Sending you all lots of love, lots and lots... Take care of yourself, my dear.

Oranges and Apples said...

I am so sorry and so glad your sister is there and you both are making the most of his last weeks - the flamingos are amazing! What a beautiful birthday present.

Gracey the Giant said...

What a wonderful birthday present for your father. You're such a fabulous daughter; he's lucky to have you both!

Carina Rosenholm said...

I love the pink flamingos and the old photos , great looking guy your dad !
maybee the rainbow was a sign ...
I hope that you will be strong enough to help your dad through this and better days will come .
Big big hugs !

Helga! said...

It is a hell of a job looking after the terminally ill, getting a lovely nurse in is such a grand plan, and means you can put more energy and love itot making his last moments beautiful. The flamingo flock is DIVOON! That has to put a smile on anybodies face! You are such a thoughtful, loving woman, and what a gloriarse last birthday you've given your Dad!!! He certainly was a babe in his youth! That pic of him and your Mama is gold, not to mention the amazing highschool bedroom pic!!! LOVE IT! I've always been a kissy kissy type myself.....
Fecking love you, my darling. So proud of your strength, beauty and heavenly heart.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Lucy Nation said...

Oh I love the flock! What a great idea. I want some for my back yard! You know, words escape me when I read things like this. I can't imagine how you must be feeling and I'm struggling to find something worthwhile to say... and failing. But that doesn't mean one shouldn't try anyway. Your dad looks so cool - like a member of Fleetwood Mac, and it's fab to see all those old family pics. Sending hugs and rainbows to all xxx

Kathi said...

Oh dear friend. I hope Tracey's visit went well. I'm glad that she was with you to help hire a nurse. I'm sure that helped relieve a bit of pressure.

Do you or Chris need anything? Food? House cleaning? Dog walking? Please let us know!

I wish you and your dad the best in the last few days you have together.

peaches mcginty said...

The angels you have around you do help so much, and you are making every second and minute count for your Dad, he is so loved - the flock of flamingo's are so cool and the rainbow! how perfect - the pics of you all are beautiful, and yes your Mum and Dad look so cool - you are all in my thoughts and I believe in good vibes too, I'm sending you all a truck load your way and lots of love too x x x

Vintage Bird Girl said...

Hugs to you Krista. What perfect timing for that rainbow. Xx

Trees said...

What a wonderful birthday treat for your dad from you flamingos and from the universe a rainbow! I know you are going through such a difficult time, but you are still a rainbow yourself. Sending you hugs from across the ocean xoxox

Beth Waltz said...

Krista, you're doing everything that can be done at this time -- and you're doing it extremely well, as you'll realize when you're further down the road. Feelings are mercifully numbed now, but when the fog lifts you'll know you acted with logic, love and grace.

Blessings to you, your sister and friends.

PinkCheetahVintage said...

I love the old pics. Your family is gorgeous. Very good that you have a nurse and hospice to help. It is so much work--I feel like caretakers are way under-recognized. I ended up quitting my job 4 weeks before my dad passed because I just didn't have time. I was in no position to quit, either. {{hugs}} So good your sis is there and I love the flamingos and rainbow :)

Rella B said...

Hugs to you and your sister during this difficult time. I lost my dad after a long illness and know the bittersweet desire for the pain to end. I love the "flocking" of the front yard and the serendipity of the rainbow showing up for your dad's birthday.

Forest City Fashionista said...

Your Dad does look like Elvis Costello in that photo!

There comes a time to admit when we need outside help, and I'm glad you were able to hire a good nurse to help with your Dad. I'm sure the flamingos,rainbow,and having his girls there left him with good memories of his last birthday.

Better times ARE coming Krista, and you will get through this. XO

Melanie said...

That's one flocking awesome yard and you ordered the rainbow to appear right on cue. I don't know many people with such superpowers. Yup, your dad was a really handsome guy, still in there, and your mum looks very groovy. I'm so glad your sister has arrived and you have nursing care for your dad. It must be a comfort knowing the meds are there but have the choice of being able to say no to them. I know you'll be living to the fullest in these last days with your dad. I feel the light of your loving send-off.

Fiona said...

Krista, IMO this is as bad as it gets. So glad you hired a nurse, it sounds like you and your sister have been a tower of strength and are doing an amazing job, I know how very hard it is. The flock of flamingoes are mad, fantastic they brought the neighbours out in force. A rainbow too, how poignant.
You will be in my thoughts Krista.....in time, it does get easier. Xx

two squirrels said...

Love.....laughter.....memories......rainbows.......keep them close. Sending much love to you sweet. Thinking of you. V

freckleface said...

What a great way to celebrate your lovely Dad's last birthday. You have done everything so well for him, that will really help you when you eventually look back at this time. A nurse is a great idea. Takes the pressure off all of you, your dad included. How lovely that the neighbours came. He is loved, and so are you. I am thinking of you Krista. Xxxxxxxxx

thorne garnet said...

Something you said touch my heart: about the pain for your Daddy ending. When my Mother died (in 1968) I was very confused about the feeling of happiness I got. I felt like the worst child ever. It took me years to realize that my feelings were ok, because she was someplace not in pain. Her journey was over, but our family could move on.

You'll be in my thoughts today and hugs are flying across the country to you

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Pull Your Socks Up! said...

Keep blowing those kisses Krista. It will mean everything to your Dad to have the beautiful faces of his two gentle, kind, kick-ass daughters to gaze at in these final days. Being in such tremendously unthinkable pain is a mind-bending experience and I'm certain the presence of his beloved girls gets him through the next second, the next minute. Blessings to Phil and your family Krista, special warm squeezy hugs to you. xoxoxoxoxooxxooxox

daiseedeb said...

Oh Krista-kins,
Hugs, and hugs and more hugs. What a wonderful daughter you are to bring such joy to your dad during these difficult days. Rainbows, flamingos, flowers, and so much love. As difficult as this is, you are so blessed to be there with him,
and he with you his sweet daughter.
Sending lots of love your way, cutie-kins!
xoxo
d

Crystal said...

Hi love. You have been on my brain heart for a week now so I popped on and now I see why.
You are so brave and have this way about you that just blesses everyone around you. You have such a giving spirit in so many ways (as we've experienced with Miss Bettylou) and seem to find the beauty in the torment.
Please let us know how we can extend love and grace and goodness to you as you navigate these waters.
Sending love and goodness your way!

Anita Fendrock said...

What a beautiful post about your dad. I am sorry for what you are going through, my sister and I were in the very same place with our dad a year and a half ago, so I am quite familiar with the waves of emotions you are experiencing. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
xo, Anita

Ariane Lasalle said...

Hi Krista -

Yes good times are coming soon and your Dad will be in a better place free of pain -
Hang on beautiful Krista

Arianexo

Annie said...

I truly empathise Krista. Thinking of you and sending best wishes.

Annie xxx

Suzanne Carillo Style Files said...

How terribly sad and hard for you and your family.

Sending you strength and good vibrations.

bisous
Suzanne

Anne said...

Hiring a nurse was a great decision because then you get to be his daughter first and foremost! Gosh those family photos of yours are rich! Your Mom and Dad were so styling! You are a strong strong woman. xo Anne.