Monday, April 14, 2014

What it means to be human

This post seems more like a journal entry, so feel free to just look at the pictures if you don't want inside my head today.  I spent the weekend looking after my Dad.  I invited Cristi to come for a night and she happily said she'd love to!  Having her there made it so much easier, it was our own kind of slumber party.  I'm so lucky to have her in my life.
 I wanna look nice for my Dad and this is what I wore:)

   I'm here but I'm barely holding it together.  My physical body is tired from lack of sleep and food and my eyes have never been so puffy and red from the sporadic crying that comes on without notice.  
Fortunately, the sun was shining so beautifully it served as a warm reminder that life is still good.
 so did this very special letter my neighbor wrote to my Dad, from one father to another.  People can be so beautiful can't they?
 In the morning we took Peetee and my Dad's dog Dylan for a walk.
 Dylan lies next to my Dad 24/7, he is his constant companion.
 It breaks my heart to think about how he will feel once Dad dies.
My Dad lives in a mobile home park that he managed up until 2 weeks ago. It's an hours drive from my house which makes getting there during the week difficult. Without the kindness of his neighbors dropping by he would be alone most of the day.  A hospice nurse comes in 3 times a week and helps a great deal.  He still talks about death with dignity and tomorrow I pick up the medication.
My sister and my entire family may all be in another state but they have made sure that I feel their love and support.
Some snaps from my Dad's place.
 He collects these painted animals from Mexico.

Cristi and I got this for his bedside along with some wonderfully scented star gazer lilies.  
My Dad stopped eating about 2 weeks ago, now it's just morphine and chocolate milk.
They don't call them man's best friend for nothing.
Peetee and Dylan love laying with Dad.
They know it's almost time to say goodbye.  


Ivy Black said...

Oh my god,darling. This is the must moving post. Thank you for sharing.
People can be beautiful indeed and so are dogs. Amazing creatures, aren't they?
I do feel for you, sweetheart. Loads of love to you, your dad and yours.

Gracey the Giant said...

Oh, dear. I just want to hug you and tell you it will be okay. I'm so sorry you are going through this but your father is so lucky to have you and his beloved puppy by his side.

Carina Rosenholm said...

This beatiful and so sad post made me cry , you must be so strong .... Krista and your family must be great support .
With tears in my eyes and send hugs and strenght to you !

pastcaring said...

Oh Krista, it's unbearably sad to read this, and imagine how hard and painful a time this is for your dad, and for you and all your family. It's incredibly moving to know that you are with your dad as much as you can possibly be, and following his wishes about the end of his life. Your strength, and Dylan's company, must be giving him such comfort. And Cristi is just the best friend you could possibly have right now, please give her a huge hug from me and thank her for supporting you when we are all too far away to help.
Sending you all the love, darling. xxxx

Vix said...

What an incredibly personal and moving post. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Dylan watching over your Dad is just so heartbreakingly lovely, it must be a tremendous comfort for him to have you and him beside him.
Cristi is a tower of strength, thank goodness you found her.
In all this sadness there's still beauty - your dad's trinkets, you and your dresses and colourfulness and the friendship you and Cristi have.
Be strong. Love you. xxxxxxxx

Kari S said...

Made me cry too. I just don't even know what to say, no words really. Just take care of yourself, and give Cristi a hug from me for being such a steadfast wonderful friend.

thorne garnet said...

I've got tears right now, I am so sad for you. My Dad passed away a few years ago, and I wasn't told about until after it happened. Your Dad is a lucky man to be surrounded by so much love. Take care, my dear.

freckleface said...

What can I say? This is heartbreaking. I admire so much everything that you are doing. You are a fabulous daughter, do you know that? That letter from your neighbours is so touching, that set me off, and Cristi is such a great friend. People obviously think a lot of you and your lovely dad. It is so good to know that your dad has the best possible friend in his pooch. There is nothing more comforting when you are ill than a lovely warm, loyal body lying next to you and asking nothing from you. Love to you Krista xxxxxxxx

Natalia Lialina said...

Krista, I can only imagine how hard it is on you now... You are such a brave, beautiful, wise woman! I am so thankful that you can find some support and relief around you - in people, animals, sunshine, bright colors... You seem to share so much with your father - look at his brilliant collection of brightly and very detailed painted animals! The love of life is what's obviously you two have in common. I can see this love in every your outfit here and your other posts... I wish you both peace and as much time with each other as you can have. Sending you both love and hugs!

Helga! said...

Ah, feck, can't stop the tears.
It's so special, you are so special, being involved in the most intense journey.
You look and are beautiful and the love just shines form you, darling.
Much love and as much strength as you need.

Melanie said...

I'm choked up. I'm glad you can be with your Dad as much as you are and that you have support around you. Yes, the love does shine through you, as Helga said. Much love.

Vintage Bird Girl said...

What a difficult time you are all going through. Watching your parent suffer is just about the worst thing that can happen. I'm so glad you are able to share precious moments with your dad before he journeys on. Thinking of you. Xx

peaches mcginty said...

This is such a difficult time, I can't even express it, the love and care you are giving your Dad will be a huge comfort for him, knowing you are there for him as well as his beloved Dylan will give him enormous relief, he can freely lean on you and in turn you can lean on the brilliant Cristi - I send you much love and hugs, I will be thinking of you and your Dad with love x x x

Anonymous said...

Krista, I read your blog regularly and am always touched by your honesty and the beauty of your spirit. Losing a parent is one of life's hardest journeys. Each footstep we take is a step in a direction we know we cannot return from. It is brave and inspiring that you walk this last walk beside your dad. Much love to you and those you love. I also cry for you colourful gem xox Micky

Miss Magpie said...

I can't even begin to imagine. Xxx

Bobbi said...

I'm in tears from your words and pictures. I can't even imagine how you must be feeling right now. I'm saying prayers and hugging you in my heart. Even though I only comment occasionally I love you and care about you. Cristi is so wonderful for being there for you.

Kathi said...

My heart hurts for you and your dad. Please let him know that there are many thinking about him! I hope that when your sister comes she will help bring some comfort too.

PinkCheetahVintage said...

Tears bb </3 So glad Cristi is there to offer support. Just know you and your dad and your family are not alone. All humans throughout all time share this intense journey. {{hugs}}

Beth Waltz said...

There are no words to fill some silences. Just tears and smiles and holding hands, and snuggling furry little dogs, and looking out the window to marvel at life going on outside...

When my father passed, I couldn't sleep and turned on the TV to watch anything that was on offer. It was The Body, the episode in which Buffy the Vampire Slayer finds her mother dead and encounters the real-life tasks that survivors must complete. Some courses on death and dying still show it to initiate discussions about the effects of shock.

Dear Krista, you're doing everything that can be done for your father, and doing all tasks well. Blessings on you, your family and your friends.

Citizen Rosebud said...

Sending you love and sunlight.

Hollie "Jet" Black-Ramsey said...

...and now I'm sad... dang it.

Jean at said...

Hi Sweetie. Thank you for this. They told us last summer that when they stop eating it helps with the seratonin levels. It's agonizing, but it's also unbearably sweet at times, or so I found.

I'm glad you have your friend there. Sending much much love. XXXOOO

Anonymous said...

My Prayers are with you and your family. XX
Lots of love from the UK

Forest City Fashionista said...

This is such a sad and beautiful post - the photo of your Dad, with Dylan snuggled next to him broke my heart. Dylan will grieve as you and the rest of your family will.

Thank you for showing your Dad's painted animals and Kachina dolls.
I wish him a peaceful, pain-free end, with the people and animals he loves around him.

Cristi has been such a good friend - I'm glad you have her to help you through this, along with Chris, and Peetee. XO

Jet Kuhn said...

This was such a beautiful post, thank you so much for not holding back and sharing it with us. Words fail me, you are such an amazing woman & I'm so glad your father has you & you have the support of so many who love you. Wishing you love, strength & happiness. XXX Jet

tubby3pug said...

Ive visited your site a few times and am always impressed by your wonderful posts. I am so sorry to hear about your Dad, I lost my dad a few years ago and I know its very hard. Im glad he has the comfort of you and his dog at this time

kate from retro rover

Lorri said...

This is lovely. My mother passed away recently from health complications following a fall that fractured her neck. It was unexpected and I still miss her every day. We were very lucky that she was very clear about how she wanted her life to end. In the end, we were all surrounded by family and friends. The staff at the hospice was professional and compassionate. They managed her pain and she was allowed to pass away in peace surrounded by family. I'm so glad to hear that your Father and your family will have a similar experience. Death can be painful but having some control over the way we die, makes the process easier in a lot of ways. *hugs* to you all.

Kari S said...

You where in my thoughts all weekend long. Randomly wondered how you where and hoped you where doing OK. Lots of love hanging out around your area of Portland.

Tamera Wolfe said...

I've tried to post a comment several times but just can't get the words out.

My heart goes out to you during this time. Dylan with you dad brought back memories if my dad with his cat Big Boy who refused to leave his side those last days. Animals Know...He us comforting your dad during his final journey.

Keeping you on prayer.....