Monday, April 28, 2014

My Daddy's gone

The sky grew black, and the crack of thunder rocked the house and then it started to hail, five minutes later the sun came out and just like that my Dad was gone.  The last few weeks have all been a blur but they have been filled with a lot of love and laughter.  I have been reminded how wonderful people are and also how fragile and fleeting life really is.  Here are some pictures from the last few days.  Cristi has been by my side through it all, never underestimate the power of friendship.
 My Dad was born in Canada and maintained dual citizenship.
I made a little altar for him.
Our nurse outfits both made by Cristi:)
 Peetee made a new friend , the neighbors dog.
 He also got injured pretty bad jumping off Dad's bed.  He is on pain meds nursing a neck injury.  My poor doggie!
 When it rains people...

I made the call on Saturday to give my Dad's dog away.  After weeks of looking I found the perfect gal.  Here she is.  This was one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my whole life.
I mentioned to my Dad that I thought Dylan should go down to a neighbors and he freaked grabbing everyone who came in saying don't let her take my dog.  It was awful, however after I took Dylan away he never mentioned his name again, he was already too far gone to notice or say anything.  Dylan thanks for watching over my Dad for all those days and nights, I hope you have a wonderful
life!
I found some more photos that I had never seen.  Here are my folks at their wedding.
 My hot Mom all the way on the right.
 Another of my Mom and Dad.
 and here are the wonderful women who helped take care of me and my Dad this last week.
My Dad with Papa Smurf and Dylan.
These are some of his best friends.

Ray took my Dad to a lot of Doctor appointments and he and his wife Mary would come sit with my Dad 2-3 times a day everyday until he died.  These folks are family now.
My Dad has owned this dog statue ever since I can remember.  I put it outside his room, his watch is finally over.  The funeral home came to pick up my Dad and gave me time to say goodbye.  I played the song, The Wind That Shakes the Barley by Dead Can Dance and I hugged, cried and prayed over him.
 I also ended the day by eating my Dad's favorite meal, a cheeseburger.
Rest in peace Dad.  Thank you for loving me!  I will miss you very much.


Tuesday, April 22, 2014

It kills me a little to watch you die slowly

I've always believed in the power of love, prayer, and good vibes~ call it whatever you want I have been feeling it surround me.  Your comments are more than words they are compassionate hugs from familiar places.  Thank you for caring so very much, I really can feel it and I really do appreciate it.
My sister arrived this weekend to celebrate our Dad's 77th birthday.  I had his yard flocked:)
  He could see them from his bed.
  All the neighbors came by to say Happy Birthday and take pictures of the flock.
There was also the most beautiful rainbow that same day. Pretty kick ass present for a gay's man bday:)
The morning we arrived our Dad had fallen in the night. He can no longer be alone, use the bathroom or get out of bed.  I thought I could just move on in and take care of him but I can't.  It's too much for me all on my own. Here I am with a bag full of Depends, bed pads, bleach, butt wipes, air freshener and ginger ale.  I felt exactly like I look in this picture.
But I'm better now.  With the help of my amazing sister we found and hired a wonderful nurse to pretty much move in and take care of my Dad during the week.  Hospice has been amazing too. I am surrounded by angels right now.  My Dad decided he did not want to take that medicine to end his life.  He is scared he'll throw it up.  Last time he ate was April 5th.  I'm just watching him starve to death.  Hospice says he has maybe a week left.
Tracy and I found some old pictures in his house. Look at how handsome he was.  It was so wonderful to lay in bed next to him and reminesece.  He mentioned how loved he felt with both his girls by his side.
 This was my high school bedroom.  I have been blowing kisses my whole life.
Here is a photo of my folks in 1967 before I was born.  Don't you just love my Mom's dress and my dad looks like Elvis Costello.
 Here I was yesterday forcing myself in front of the camera.
A bit dazed but I'm not confused.
I'm just ready for my Dad to be free from the pain
and I'm ready for better days.  Soon.

Monday, April 14, 2014

What it means to be human

This post seems more like a journal entry, so feel free to just look at the pictures if you don't want inside my head today.  I spent the weekend looking after my Dad.  I invited Cristi to come for a night and she happily said she'd love to!  Having her there made it so much easier, it was our own kind of slumber party.  I'm so lucky to have her in my life.
 I wanna look nice for my Dad and this is what I wore:)


   I'm here but I'm barely holding it together.  My physical body is tired from lack of sleep and food and my eyes have never been so puffy and red from the sporadic crying that comes on without notice.  
Fortunately, the sun was shining so beautifully it served as a warm reminder that life is still good.
 so did this very special letter my neighbor wrote to my Dad, from one father to another.  People can be so beautiful can't they?
 In the morning we took Peetee and my Dad's dog Dylan for a walk.
 Dylan lies next to my Dad 24/7, he is his constant companion.
 It breaks my heart to think about how he will feel once Dad dies.
My Dad lives in a mobile home park that he managed up until 2 weeks ago. It's an hours drive from my house which makes getting there during the week difficult. Without the kindness of his neighbors dropping by he would be alone most of the day.  A hospice nurse comes in 3 times a week and helps a great deal.  He still talks about death with dignity and tomorrow I pick up the medication.
My sister and my entire family may all be in another state but they have made sure that I feel their love and support.
Some snaps from my Dad's place.
 He collects these painted animals from Mexico.


Cristi and I got this for his bedside along with some wonderfully scented star gazer lilies.  
My Dad stopped eating about 2 weeks ago, now it's just morphine and chocolate milk.
They don't call them man's best friend for nothing.
Peetee and Dylan love laying with Dad.
They know it's almost time to say goodbye.